Chasing spiritual highs
I’ve experienced many things in life—love, heartbreak, success, failure—but nothing compares to the spiritual high I once reached. It was as if every other experience paled in comparison. Drugs, love, even death itself seemed insignificant next to that profound state of being. It wasn’t something I achieved through desire or effort; it happened in a moment of complete surrender, when I let go of everything I thought I knew.
Since then, my life has changed in ways I never expected. My priorities have shifted. I used to care deeply about helping others, but now that feels secondary to my own pursuit of that spiritual high. I’ve tried meditation, self-reflection, and even delving into various teachings, but nothing has brought me back to that peak. It’s like trying to solve a puzzle I can’t quite grasp, no matter how hard I try.
What haunts me most is the knowledge of what’s possible. I’ve tasted something incredible, and now I can’t shake the feeling that I’m living in the shadow of that experience. My life looks better on paper—my career is thriving, I’ve developed healthier habits, and I know myself better than ever before—but none of that fills the void. I’m stuck in a cycle of longing and frustration, wondering if I’ll ever feel that way again.
I’ve asked myself if I misused the gift I was given. Was I supposed to hold onto it, or was it always temporary? The uncertainty is exhausting. I’ve tried to recreate the conditions of that moment, but it’s like chasing a ghost. I’m left with more questions than answers, and the silence is deafening.
I don’t just want to understand spirituality theoretically; I want to feel it again. I want that connection, that sense of oneness with everything. I’m open to trying anything—seeking out teachers, exploring new practices, or even surrendering once more. But for now, I’m stuck in this limbo, chasing a high I may never reach again.
All I can do is keep moving forward, hoping that someday I’ll find my way back to that place. Until then, I’m left with the memories of what once was and the haunting knowledge of what could be.
